Have you ever had one of those days when your faith and trust in God is seriously challenged? You’re normally certain in Him and rest in how He has guided you through highs and lows. But then some days come where that assurance seems to come under fire and you weakly feel so vulnerable, desperately needing a sign that He is there…that He sees you. Today was one of those days.
Since learning that we were pregnant again, there has been a low rumbling of fears on the outskirts of my mind. Once you’ve had a child born with severe difficulties, you’re keenly aware that the unlikely is possible. After all, nothing is ever guaranteed. I’ve been able to fend off the fears and worries for the most part, but for whatever reason, today they came on like gale force winds. Jordan and I were at Integrity’s Glorious worship conference all day. One would think that in an environment with other Christians, fully focused on worshiping God, the day would be incredible! But from the first song’s downbeat, a tsunami of anxiety washed over me. It flooded my being and its waters did not recede. Rather as the day went on, my worry moved to fear, fear opened the door to anger, anger gave way to hardness – a hardness that I could not shake.
Where was this coming from? Why could I not break its weight? In the past 3 years, God has healed so much of my heart that had broken after Isaac died. His peace has enveloped me, opening my eyes to see His love and provision every step of the way. But today, dark clouds skewed my perspective. All I could see was the hurt, the loss, the pain. Why was this all coming back?!
By 4 o’clock, I felt genuinely stuck. The Integrity team began a Soaking worship session – a time for people to sit, meditate and rest as worship to God was sung over and around them. It was to be a time of reflection and peace. But there I sat: stuck and not knowing how to move. “Lord, I’m angry. I’m afraid. And I feel like You are a million miles away right now. Why did you not heal my son? Why did you let him die? You’re going to have to do something. I know all the right things to do and say in the midst of this, but frankly, I just don’t want to! If You really care, You’re going to have to make the first move.” Man, I was in a dark place.
Over the course of the next hour, Kathryn Scott and Brian Doerksen sang beautiful songs of brokenness, surrender and the majestic love of God who hears and heals. Tears kept flooding my eyes as I felt caught between the two worlds – the reality of how I felt and the reality of who God is. “Lord, You’re going to have to make the first move. I can’t and I won’t.” As the session drew to a close, I just wanted to leave. I was so weary from the day’s weight and could not see a reprieve in sight. I simply wanted to run away and hide.
And that’s when it happened. A stranger walked up to Jordan and I, smiling sweetly. This young woman reached out her hands to shake ours. “Hello, I’m Jenna. You don’t know me. I followed your journey with Isaac and recognized you from a picture on your blog. Ever since I saw you earlier this morning, I just had to come meet you both and let you know that you are being prayed for. I prayed for you all while Isaac was here and I’ve been praying for you ever since.” And with another smile, this precious stranger walked away.
As she turned to leave, I crumbled to a pile of sobbing cries at Jordan’s side. I could not contain my tears! In that moment, God spoke clearly and gently to my heart. “I see you. I’m with you. I will not let you go.” In the depths of my anger and wallowing self-pity, the almighty God of the universe reached out again just to let me know that He saw me. He had already shown me time and again of His love, His grace, His provision. But in my fallen, broken state – needing yet another reminder of what I already should have fully known – God moved on my behalf to show His care for me. He did not judge or condemn my weakness but rather met me in it. The King of the universe stooped down low to lift my head. He saw me as I was and loved me in the midst.
Lord, Your love endures forever. You are slow to anger and greatly abounding in love. Though I fall a thousand times, a thousand times more You will pick me up again. I don’t deserve it. I’m overwhelmed by it. Thank You for seeing me and for taking the first step to bring Light into my darkness. Where would I be without You? While I don’t know what the future holds, I know You will always be there with me. I love you, Lord.