As of 5 o’clock today, nothing has happened. No contractions. No “did my water just break” scares. No glimmers that this thing is going to start anytime soon. As of 5 o’clock today, I’m frustrated and aware more than ever that I’m truly not in control. Even though Eliana currently resides in my body and has grown there over the past 9 months, no amount of my will power will make her come any quicker. Ultimately, she is God’s child. I simply have the choice of whether or not to be a good steward of this life He has entrusted me with.
In the midst of my lack of control, I’m seeing how pregnancy is about so much more than growing and birthing a child. Its about faith. Its about trusting God with what has been placed within you. What will you do with what He has given you? Will you nourish it to the best of your ability? Will you be faithful in caring for yourself to give the child the best chance at health and strength? Will you resent all the uncomfortable kicks and cramps or rejoice that there is a growing life within you? Will you grow angry as you loose control and have to make changes to accommodate this other life within or will you further rely on God to bring His gift to fruition? Talk about a refining journey!
I remember thinking how much I learned through my first pregnancy: learning to trust God in the face of the unknown, believing He had a good plan when all statistics pointed to something tragic, learning to care for myself and the baby within knowing the journey would take me through pain and great uncertainty. This pregnancy has been quite different along with the lessons learned. It has challenged me to trust God’s sovereignty in the face of difficult past circumstances. So many times, I’ve faced the choice to perceive this journey through the eyes of previous loss or the hope of possible blessings to come. Would I walk this journey weighed down by previous disappointment or embrace the joy that could be found in each step? God had blessed me with a new child: would I accept it as a gift or walk in fear each step of the way? To be honest, I’ve not always chosen the higher road in this journey. Many times, I’ve succumb to the Satan’s whispers of past pain rather than stand on God’s promise to give me a hope and a future. How easy it would be to say, “But that’s not been my path thus far…” “But such and such happened last time…” “But I’ve only had this type of experience…”
I’m so thankful for my godly husband! Every time I have given in to fear, Jordan has spoken truth in its face. He has stood strong when I was weak and brought me back to hope once again. “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Is. 43.19)
This journey has been a different one, but treasured and good just the same. Its humbling to think that within a day or so, we’ll be parents once again to a beautiful Answer To Prayer. I’m scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning if I’ve not gone into spontaneous labor by then. We greatly appreciate your prayers as tomorrow approaches. I’m still hoping to go into labor on my own, but we’ll see. I’m aware now more than ever that I’m not in control of this – learning the meaning of my name all over again.
We’ll keep the blog posted with updates as they occur. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, the world will know Miss Eliana Faith Leino!