2020 put him through the wringer, rewriting nearly every norm in his life.
A year of highs and lows and messy in-betweens. But by heaven’s grace, we made it through, along with his sister, to this familiar rhythm of putting up our tree. Keenly aware he probably won’t need my shoulders next year, I breathe deep tonight’s seasonal scene.
Gratitude falls afresh for the momentary peace of lights upon on a dove-topped tree.
Filed under Christmas, diabetes, Evan, Motherhood, Photography, Struggles
It’s been a gift, these past 3 months, wrapped in various packaging.
Near & far.
Brief & lengthy.
Joy & sorrow.
Filled up & poured out.
Lessons taught & wisdom received.
Laughter & lament.
Camps, car rides, & cookouts.
Memories. Oh the memories, new & re-remembered.
Summer break brought a welcome respite from our family’s frenetic school year schedule. While lunches still needed packing, this working mama reveled in the reprieve from early carlines & driving east simply to commute further west. Most glorious of all – NO homework! Praise be.
Of my many summers in motherhood thus far, this one stands out unique. A summer of healing, maturing, of digging deep & mending hearts, thoughts, lives.
I witnessed confidence return to a worn child.
I saw faces alight with fresh fun & freckles from days soaking up sea & sun.
I rocked sleeping giants & whispered Truths constant & prayed over dreamers whose hearts I now carried surely as once had my womb.
I learned to listen a bit quicker, to respond a bit slower, to relinquish control a bit less begrudgingly.
I offered broken hallelujahs with bittersweet celebrations, holding more tightly to things lovely while more willingly laying down arms.
I cried honest admissions & harrowing realizations & humbled celebrations of grace freely given.
I watched a daughter rise after a hard, hard season to shine her inherent light again.
I watched a son wrestle life lessons with resilient kindness & curious wonder.
I watched the woman in my mirror start smiling in reflection once more, beginning to dream, to dare for days brighter ahead.
I witnessed grace falling like monsoon rains, undeserved, unrelenting, free.
Three months come & gone. As tonight falls soft, this house quiet with sleeping babes & a mother reminiscing, a wise king’s words resound amidst the silence:
“To everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
Summer draws to its close as a new elementary academic year begins. When a new season dawns with tomorrow’s rising sun, may it find me grateful. It’s certainly been a summer to remember.
Filed under Motherhood, Patience, Photography, Thoughts
Bright-eyed at 5:45a. With a jump and a smile she leapt from bed.
The day had finally arrived. Today everything changes. Today our home will never be the same.
Today Eliana Faith became a Kindergartener!!
I’ve never seen her more excited.
I’ve never felt such bittersweet ache at her gain.
My baby girl now an Elementary Student.
Last night she slept like a rock.
I slept like a restless child, tossing, turning, watching the clock tick slow.
Like the relentless tide so questions assailed my insomniac mind.
Did I do enough? Where did I fail in preparing her? How did the long days of toddlerhood pass in a flash? Is she ready? Did I do enough?!
I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night.
The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.
(Psalms 121:1-8 NASB)
Though she came from my womb, she was knit by heavenly Hands. All her days were ordained before one came to be. In God she lives and moves and has her being. His plans for Eliana brim over with hope and love. His thoughts towards her outnumber the stars. His mercies pour out afresh on her every morning.
On Eliana. And her momma.
Grace. Grace. God’s grace.
Grace that will cover and cleanse within.
Grace. Grace. God’s grace.
Grace that is greater than all my sin.
Where I lack, His grace covers. Where I fall, His arms reach low to lift me up. Where I have failed my daughter, His love remains strong on her behalf. He has not called me to be a perfect mother.
Just a faithful one.
Today begins a new chapter of learning to trust God further, to lean on Him harder, to release what is ultimately His into His steadfast arms.
Eliana, you continue to teach me faith, to adjust my eyes to see God’s continued answered prayers. Walk tall today, sweetheart. You are ready for this. Not because of me but because Almighty God walks with you wherever you go. Listen for His voice. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Enjoy today, my darling girl. You are ready!
Filed under Eliana, Motherhood, Parenting, Struggles, Thoughts
Summer.
The auburned boy has turned three, the boy whose name means “brave messenger”, whose eyes reduce my soul to puddles of joy and delight. He climbs everything, breaks many things, fears NO thing, and makes his mother a bit more gray with each passing dare-deviled day. He greats me with a “huug and a kiss” morning and night and many moments between, this snuggler of my heart. He softens the rough places I didn’t know I had and overwhelms me with the tangible goodness of God. A boy. A ginger boy. A boy who rests his head safely on my shoulder with secure breaths and contented sighs. He delights in his sister, melts his mother and follows closely after his father’s every step. Oh this boy of mine. How I love him so.
Longer days, shorter nights. July quickly approaches.
Her dark hair cascades down like sheening waves of chestnut and ebony. Just shy of five, this beautiful Answer To Prayer shines hope and joy through her bright blue eyes, eyes like sapphires surrounding a glowing orb of glacier blue. Simplicity delights this boundless dreamer who sees a friend in every stranger, greets each new day as an adventure and has never known a dull moment in her existence. She bestows gifts from the mundane to the imagined extravagant, all boasting of her affection and placed value in people. How she loves to give gifts to others! Her nurturing heart tenderly cares for every wound in the Leino household – those seen on our flesh and those hidden in my aging soul. She has lavished love and joy into places long tucked away in me. This blue-eyed beauty sees beautiful in the plain, the broken, the misshapen and forgotten. She sees through innocent eyes with a courageous love that knocks fear off its feet. Protector of her brother, admirer of her father and kindred spirit to the child her mother once was. This sweet girl of mine. How I love her so.
Summer’s heat will quickly give way to autumn. Autumn to winter. Winter to another year to another decade to a life fully lived. May I drink it all in and savor every drop.
These precious children of mine. Oh how they’ve grown.
Filed under Eliana, Evan, Motherhood
They fray quickly now. Within weeks deep denim hues begin to fade towards white. This quick progression from new to used marks every pair of jeans I own, a pattern which began four years ago when I found myself knees-to-floor daily.
In a world of lofty ambition and heads held high, nothing has brought me low like motherhood.
Diapers. Tummy time. Playtime. Wiping away spills. Diapers. Desperately looking for that other shoe. Cleaning up toys. Bath time. Diapers. Cleaning yet another mess. Diapers! I’ve spent much of the past four years on my knees and have the holey jeans to prove it. Truth be told, this has frustrated me far more than it ought. Couldn’t just one pair of jeans not look nearly spent?! Vain, I know.
This simmering continued until last week. As I put on a relatively new pair of jeans, I noticed the knee wear was much less than normal and smiled in delight. But then an unexpected sadness set in. I’m not on my knees as often. The floorbound days are quickly fading with my children’s growth. Less crawling on the floor. Fewer spills to clean. Nearly diaper-free with everyone now playing upright. Our home will soon be baby-free forever. How did this happen so quickly?! The unending days of toddlerhood seem like a wisp now as I’m beginning to feel a mother’s pangs at her child’s increasing independence.
My grieved gaze looked upon the dark denim covering my knees. Suddenly all the fraying jeans of the past four years no longer brought frustration. Rather than carrying the marks of a weary mother, they bore weight like an honor badge, bestowed by grace and held in high esteem. Oh the privilege of faded knees from hours spent earthbound with the most precious gifts given this side of heaven. Forgive me, Lord, for not seeing their significance sooner. Please open my eyes, soften my heart to delight always the wear and tears of this life You’ve entrusted to me. Thank You for making my knees well worn.
Filed under Motherhood, Parenting, Struggles, Thoughts
A Life Of Patience 