Category Archives: Thoughts

May 26, 2010 · 7:04 am

Comfort (Part One)

Lately, I find myself at a loss for words.  Even now in typing this, my thoughts seem to collect for a moment and flit away the next.  They’ve been churning in my mind for a week now.  Hopefully they will all come out clearly…that or you’ll at least be amused at my scatterbrainedness. (is that a word?)  Buckle up.  Its a longer one.  Here’s the first part of “Comfort”.

It all goes back to one week ago when I was preparing to speak on a parent panel at UNC.  They were hosting at two-day conference by the Institute for Family-Centered Care (IFCC).  As part of this panel, I was privileged to speak to medical staff and case workers at UNC about my experiences as the parent of a critically ill child, reflect on what was positive in our experiences on the PICU, and what could have been improved upon.  I’ve shared our journey many times before and at much greater length in different situations, but for some reason this time struck me differently.  Perhaps it was sharing it with actual PICU staff.  Perhaps it was speaking those words within the same hospital that cared for our son.  Perhaps it was hormones.  Whatever the reason, there was something about that morning that brought so much more detail back to memory of our time with Isaac at UNC.  It left the memory fresh in my mind and strong on my heart.  (Thank You, Lord, for that precious little boy!)

Then Thursday came.  Around 10 o’clock that night, I was out to dinner with some great girlfriends in Myrtle Beach, SC.  We were laughing, sharing stories, and applauding Ailene who had preached a strong word on Joshua earlier in the evening at Barefoot Church’s Ladies Night Out. (seriously…if you haven’t gotten a copy of her study yet – get to it!)  Just as we ordered our late-night dinner, my phone rang.  It was my friend, Josh Baer.  “Hey Josh!  How’s it going?”
His words caught me by surprise and knocked the air from my lungs with the force of a semi.

“Um…Charlie didn’t make it.”

Everything stopped.  In an instant, grief washed over me for my friend as all the emotions of Isaac’s homecoming flooded back.  They were so fresh from speaking on the panel just the day before.  No!  NO!  Charlie was supposed to make it!  He was supposed to have the better outcome with HLHS.  The cocktail of emotions was choking.  Grief, sorrow, confusion, anger.  Even though I knew this was a chance for Charlie simply because of his diagnosis, I had hoped and prayed dearly that it would not be his fate.  Certainly not so soon.

In moments, another emotion swept in to join the mix: guilt.  Why did we get so much more time with our son than our friends?  Why were we able to take our baby home but they weren’t?  In a moment, I was reminded of the frailty of life and how fortunate we were for every day Isaac was with us.  I still don’t understand the why, but rest in knowing:

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139.13-16)

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Filed under Blogging, Chapel Hill, Friends, HLHS, Struggles, Thoughts

April 30, 2010 · 12:08 pm

Hopes & Dreams

Back in January, I asked readers what they would like to read about on LeinoLife.  One question that stood out to me was “What are your hopes and dreams for Eliana?” Where to begin?!

Just the thought of answering this question fills me with emotions overwhelming.  How do you put it into words?!  My greatest dream for Eliana is that she would give her life to Jesus and live for Him all the days of her life, that she would know without a shadow of a doubt that God created her with greatness in mind, and that she is completely loved simply for being herself.  I want her to be able to understand the limitless love of her Heavenly Father because it has been modeled day in and day out by her wonderful earthly father.  I want her to love the Scriptures, to base her life around them, and to live out Christ’s love each day.  I want her to live life to the fullest.

My prayer is she would grow to be a woman of purity and integrity, compassion and courage.  I hope that she will always know how valuable her life is and that I am always proud of her.  I hope that as she grows in physical beauty, her inner beauty shines even brighter.  I hope she is a good steward of whatever gifts God has placed within her.  I hope she works hard, dreams larger than life, and never ever gives up on her goals.  May God mold me to raise her to live according to His Spirit – one of power, love, and a sound mind.  May she never look at life through the lens of fear but of faith.  Whenever she faces an obstacle, may she never cower in fear but rise up to meet the challenge head on.  When life knocks her down, may she always get back on her feet and press on.  I hope that one day, she marries a godly man who has saved himself fully for her, who loves her with every ounce of his being, and who is fully submitted to Jesus.  I hope that she marries a man like her daddy – a man who fleshes out God’s love for her.

Eliana Faith.  May she be a woman of joy, grace, and wisdom; of power, strength, and love.  May she always know that her parents love her and are proud of her.  May she grow to accept Christ as her Savior and live all her days for His glory.  May she be fully herself without fear and ever be at peace with who God has created her to be.  May she experience all the blessings and gifts God desires for her.

There is so much I hope and dream for this sweet little girl.  She is more than I ever imagined.  But above all – above my own hopes and dreams for her – may she walk in the destiny that her Creator has in store for her.  And may I ever be molded and shaped to parent her towards that destiny.  Help me, Lord.  Eliana is one of your most precious gifts to me.  May I be found faithful as her mom.

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March 9, 2010 · 9:24 pm

The Goal Is Love

I came across this verse in this week’s Radically Obedient study and it has stuck with me ever since. 

1 Timothy 1.5 “But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”

May this be true of all who profess Jesus as their Lord – that we would be marked as people of love, a love that comes from a pure heart, a good conscience and a sincere faith.  What a verse!

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March 4, 2010 · 5:13 pm

Beauty For Ashes

This past Sunday, I had the privilege of speaking to Plymouth Church in Raleigh.  What an honor to spend the morning with them!  In preparing for the message, God laid Isaiah 61.1a & 3 on my heart, particularly the phrase “beauty for ashes”.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me…to provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”

God has certainly been faithful to provide beauty in place of ashes in my life, to take my mourning and put gladness in its place.  It was humbling to share a bit of our journey with Isaac and a joy to testify to God’s faithfulness in that situation.  He certainly has brought forth great beauty out of a difficult season.

His Word is so clear – God is able and desiring to work all things together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8.28).  As the song goes: “He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fears, gladness for mourning, peace for despair.”  My prayer is that it will bless you, that the Bible would speak for itself, and God would draw you to trust Him further with any areas of your life that have been reduced to ashes.  He has beauty in mind.

Click here to hear Sunday’s message.

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Filed under Patience, Thoughts

January 23, 2010 · 12:01 pm

The Voice

This past Wednesday, I came across a passage in the Psalms that has stuck with me.  It is a passage about the voice of God that has left me in awe.  1 Kings 19.11-12 tells that the voice of the Lord can be a gentle whisper, but the Psalms show how truly majestic it is as well.  I can’t get this strong imagery out of my mind.

3 The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.

4 The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic.

5 The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.

6 He makes Lebanon skip like a calf,
Sirion like a young wild ox.

7 The voice of the LORD strikes
with flashes of lightning.

8 The voice of the LORD shakes the desert;
the LORD shakes the Desert of Kadesh.

9 The voice of the LORD twists the oaks.
and strips the forests bare.
And in his temple all cry, “Glory!”

This awesome God, Whose voice splits cedars and makes the earth quake, He is the One who calls me by name and numbers the very hairs of my head.  He created me and knows all the days before me.   This voice spoke creation into existence and sustains every living thing.  He is mighty.  He is holy.  He is most worthy of all our praise.  May we all be awestruck by His splendor and in the presence of His voice cry, “Glory!”

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January 15, 2010 · 11:27 pm

The Gift of 24 Weeks

Today is a day I’ve long wondered about, curious what it would be like.  It has been peculiar indeed.  Peculiar and delightful.  Today, Eliana Faith turned 24 weeks old.  She woke with a smile that never left her face until she lay down to dream tonight.  She laughed with her daddy more than she ever has and sat herself upright for long lengths of time.  Not a sniffle in sight, Eliana is in perfect health.  Her development is right on track and even ahead in some areas.  She’s sweet, strong, and smart.  She’s more than everything we ever hoped she would be at this age.  We truly are blessed to have our Answer To Prayer.

And yet today has been strange.  Today Eliana is the same age Isaac was when he went home to heaven.  I remember that day so vividly.  It was a day of strong emotions, last moments, and goodbyes.  But not today.  Not this 24th week.  No, today was a day of laughter, joy, and blessings.  As I held my perfectly healthy, beautiful daughter, I felt overwhelmed.  She’s made it.  She’s with us and growing more each day.  There have been times since Eliana’s birth when the fear of loss would come knocking at my heart, whispering lies and trepidation over me.  It would come suddenly, speaking “what ifs” and doubts over the future.  Would she make it to the 24th week?  To her first birthday?  What awful surprises lay just around the corner?

I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m growing in trust and knowledge of the One who holds my future.  God surrounded me with grace to walk through Isaac’s early homecoming and His faithfulness is ever before me today in the form of Eliana.  To many, today is just another day of a parent with their child.  But to me, it is and will always be so much more.  Today, Eliana turned 24 weeks old.  It is a sweeter gift than words could ever say.  As the old children’s song goes, “God is so good.  He’s so good to me.”

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January 15, 2010 · 1:29 pm

Haiti Relief

Not a moment goes by without the thought of Haiti close to mind.  As I sit here – typing on a laptop in a warm, comfortable apartment, with sounds of laughter coming from my daughter in the next room- I struggle to wrap my mind around the ongoing crisis just a few thousand miles south of us.  Questions of why flood the mind and I’m reduced to a state of wonder.  Why is it that I was born here rather than Haiti?  Such tragedy could happen to any of us.  Why them?  Why not me?  Why?

In light of the devastation in Haiti, we who are elsewhere have a tremendous opportunity and responsibility to rise up and respond.  Now is the time for action, for compassion, for sacrifice and steadfast prayer.  James 1.27 states that religion pleasing to our God is to look after widows and orphans in their distress.  Join me in partnering with the following organizations that are on the ground in Haiti, meeting the need.

May we be found faithful in this hour by swift response and vigilant prayer on behalf of those who are suffering.

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January 7, 2010 · 1:17 pm

Carried

For the past several weeks, I’ve been going through Radically Obedient: A Study of Joshua.   This week brought me across Deuteronomy 1:29-31.  Verse 31 jumped out at me.  Moses is talking to the nation of Israel.  “Then I said to you, ‘Do not be shocked, nor fear them.  The Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf, just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, just as a man carries his son.'”

What a powerful image!  Israel wandered through the wilderness for 40 years.  The Lord led them in cloud by day and in fire by night.  He provided in supernatural ways to meet all their needs.  But He not only provided and led them.  He intimately cared for them and carried Israel as a father carries his child.  Think about that!

I’ve seen the way Jordan carries Eliana.  His arms are strong, holding her fast.  His hands are gentle, making her feel loved and secure while allowing her the flexibility to move and explore.  He never crushes her but comforts her.  When Eliana is in his arms, she’s able to get to places she would otherwise not be able to go.  Sometimes Eliana is crying as babies often do.  But her dismal state does not alter the strength of the arms around her.  Even when she’s furious, Jordan still carries her with grace and love.

This is the image Moses gave to explain God’s carrying arms.  The Lord carried them with strength and tenderness.  His arms mighty to shield from harm and danger.  His hands gentle enough not to crush them, but make them secure and comforted.  Wow.

Wherever you are today – whether rejoicing or caught in despair – know that the Lord of all creation loves you and is carrying you.  His arms are ever strong.  His might never fails.  He is not only by your side but holding you close.  Rest in His arms today.  What a wonderful God.

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December 31, 2009 · 12:16 pm

Reflections of 2009

Here it is again: December 31st.  As 2009 quickly comes to a close, my mind fills with reflections on the past year.  What a year it has been!  Never did I imagine 365 days could hold so much.  Were I to sum up 2009, it would be one simple word: change.  Everything has changed.

One year ago, Jordan and I were filled with the sense that ’09 would be a defining year and a year of change.  We never dreamed that in a year’s time, every area of our lives would be different.  In 2009, we:

  • finished flipping our first home
  • sold our house
  • moved into a beautiful rental home
  • thought we’d be building a house by years’ end (God had other plans)
  • I transitioned from nannying to being a full-time homemaker
  • Eliana Faith was born (perfectly healthy!)
  • Jordan resigned from C3
  • Leino Studios was launched in our home
  • moved into an apartment
  • transitioned from C3 to attend Journey Church
  • leased our first office space for Leino Studios

2009 stretched us in ways we didn’t know were possible.  To look back on all that has changed, it overwhelms me at times.  We knew change was coming.  We didn’t know that God intended to flip our world upside down by changing everything.  It has been challenging, exciting, mind-boggling, frightening, surprising, and crazy.  In the midst of the whirlwind, He gave us a precious little girl who reminds us of His love every day.  Eliana Faith’s name memorializes His answer to our prayer for a healthy child.  Little did we know, her name would also become a reminder of all the prayers He answered through this year and for us to continue trusting Him in the unknown of tomorrow.

Through every change, God opened my eyes to see how much I placed my security in worldly circumstances and provisions.  As each “sure thing” was removed from my life, I felt Him calling me to His heart.  God alone wants to be my Security, my Provider, my Refuge, and my Peace.  Deuteronomy 31.8 has become my mantra: “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  His Word is living and active, applicable in all situations.

The course of this year has brought out such strength in Jordan – I’m so grateful for his love and leadership in my life.  He is a man of wisdom, integrity, courage, discernment and grace.  Joy fills me every time I see him with our daughter, knowing she will grow with a godly man to look up to and a father who will love her like Jesus.

2009 was a year of change.  As 2010 begins in a mere few hours, my mind races with wonder of all that awaits us in tomorrow.  In the midst of its uncertainty, I rest in knowing God remains ever-faithful and sovereign.   He has led us thus far and will continue to lay the path before us in the days ahead. 

Thanks to our families for loving us every step of the way, for walking beside us through every change of this past year with optimism and steadfast prayer.  We are so fortunate to have each one of you in our lives.  Thanks to all our friends, near and far. We love doing life with you in all of life’s seasons. Thank you, C3, for the past 4 years of ministry and memories.  We’re praying 2010 draws you close to God’s heart and that His hands work through you to show Jesus to this community.  Thanks to Matt and Martha Fry for your investment into our lives during our time on staff, for supporting us in all the changes this year and for encouraging us to follow God’s leading, even when it meant a different direction.  Thanks to Jimmy and Beverly Carroll, and those at Journey Church for pouring into us over the past few months as we’ve made transitions in our family.

Above all, thanks to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He who has redeemed us has been faithful in every season of our lives.  His love continues to mend and compel us.  His Word molds and guides us.  He will never change.  He never fails.  He is our Rock and our Source.

Goodbye, 2009.  Hello, 2010!  What adventures do you hold in store for us…

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February 25, 2009 · 6:11 am

A Day To Celebrate

February 25th has found us once again, a day which will forever be captured in our hearts and minds.  Two years ago on this day, Isaac Jordan Leino was born.  At precisely 3:40am, our son arrived weighing  7 lbs 10 oz and measuring nearly 19″ long.  The child we had long awaited captured our hearts the very moment we first saw him.  Though few sounds we ever heard from Isaac’s lips, his 24 weeks of life spoke volumes.

Today is a day of bittersweet celebration.  Today, we rejoice in the child that God entrusted to us and reflect on the priceless time we had with him.  We remember the blessing of his life and the countless lessons we learned from him.  We smile at our treasured memories with Isaac and will look through the pictures chronicling his time with us.  While we would love to celebrate with ribbons and balloons, cake and presents, we’re certain those things pale in comparison to the eternal glory surrounding our son in heaven.  Isaac was perfect in every way, masterfully crafted by God’s very hands for His purpose.  In reflecting on the past year, we recognize the how far God has brought us.  It is a year that began in the depths of grief’s dark pit.  Now, it finds us healed and filled with hope for the child to come – a daughter who will grow to know of her brave big brother.  Today is certainly a good day.

Join us this day in celebrating our son’s life.  To those who knew him well, we invite you to commemorate his birthday with a comment, thought or story of his life’s impact on yours.  And to those unfamiliar with Isaac’s story, we invite you to read about this brave little boy and there encounter the faithful God who never left our side.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Isaac.  We love you and are so proud of you.

family-portrait

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Filed under Isaac, Thoughts

February 18, 2009 · 8:32 pm

Seasons

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven…”  Ecclesiasties. 3.1

I’ve seen tremendous extremes in the lives of family and friends recently: babies born and loved ones dying, jobs lost and jobs found, children conceived and pregnancies ending tragically soon, romances blooming and relationships ending, miraculous recoveries and difficult sudden diagnoses.  All this occurring in a matter of weeks.  What does one make of such extremes in these uncertain times?

Seeing such polar experiences playing out in the lives of people I love has weighed on my heart.  I find myself overwhelmed with joy for those experiencing such rich blessings right now and deeply grieved for the others experiencing the tremendous challenges that come from living in a fallen world.  All the while, God has continued to remind me of this simple truth: life is the journey from one season to the next.  Situations come, circumstances go.  But He never leaves us.  He never forsakes us. (Deut 31.8)  When we walk through those fires, He goes with us & in Him, we will not be set ablaze.  When flood waters come, He will see us through to the shore. (Is. 43)  Even when we feel like we’re walking blind in the valley of the shadow of death, may we remember it is only a shadow and we need not fear evil – we are simply passing through. (Ps. 23.4)  In Christ, death lost its sting. (1 Cor 15.55)

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8.38-39

I don’t pretend to have life figured out, nor will I ever fully understand why people’s paths can look so different.  I don’t know that I’ll ever grasp why some have healthy babies without even wanting them while others grieve for the chance to have just one of their own.  Its hard to balance those who live well into their 90’s with those who are crippled by illness before their time.  At this point of my life, I have so much yet to learn and stronger faith to gain.  But if these 27 years have taught me anything, it is this: God is a God of love with plans to give us a hope and a future. (Jer. 29.11)  Regardless of circumstances in my life, I know I am precious in His sight and because He loves me, I need not be afraid. (Is. 43.4-5)  He has blessed me beyond measure.  And in the hard times that have come, my frailty and desperation has allowed me to see His strength, faithfulness, and compassion in ways I would not have otherwise understood.

So take heart.   If you find yourself facing an impossible situation, if you find yourself caught between an army of opposition and an immovable sea blocking your way, remember this: all of life is the journey from one season to the next.  After all, we serve the God who parted the seas of impossibility to grant His children safe passage to their promised future and used the waters that once stood in their way to defeat the opposition that chased them. (Ex. 14)

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”  Psalm 27.13-14

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